I woke up in the middle of the night and anxieties grip me. Many thoughts ran through my mind.
Am I doing too much?
Am I making the right decisions?
I feel weak and tired. How can I continue to pour into my children?
I feel vulnerable and inadequate to protect my family.
How can I have more time with my family when I am strapped down with the demands of my job?
If I cut down on my work, how can we sustain?
The last one got me up…
Will my wife and children continue their faith in Christ when I am not around?
In recent weeks, I notice that our family is in disarray when I’m not at my best. The nagging, incessant cold has made me feel tired and unproductive for the past two weeks. What I noticed was more media consumption from all of us. One night, I found four of you guys on technology until 1:30AM.
Besides feeling like I have failed as a father because I have slipped, the deeper concern is that the distractions of life can pull our hearts away from God. I see the slow drift. The good things slowly replace the best thing. And when the best thing is no longer there, even the good things become the worst things for us.
If it is disagreeable in your sight to serve the Lord, choose for yourselves today whom you will serve: whether the gods which your fathers served which were beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you are living; but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” (Joshua 24:15)
When you mom and I started our family, Joshua 24:15 was our life verse. What keeps me up at night is that I no longer know that we are living out that vision. Is God still at the forefront of our minds? Is He still our primary passion? Is His purpose still our pursuit?
I don’t know how to juggle between the competing responsibilities of providing, protecting, and leading our family to pursue Christ. The financial demand of our family keep me mentally and physically occupied more than I would like to be. And I wonder if I have unintendedly open the door to a full frontal assault because of my distraction.
If I have succeeded at providing for our family financially and we abandoned that vision, then I have failed as a father and husband.
28 “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. (Matthew 11:28-29)
In these moments, I am reminded that I don’t have to carry all this weight on my own. When I take up His yoke, He carries my burden. He doesn’t judge nor condemn. He identifies with my pain. He is compassionate toward my struggles. He gives rest to my restless heart.
